Kimmy Calls It

Another Year another ‘Kimmy Calls It’. As a reminder ‘Kimmy’ is short for Kimberly Toast which was apparently who my mom thought played 3rd Base for the Atlanta Braves in the late 90’s (it was actually Chipper Jones). After going an astonishing 0-5 last year him the picks Kimmy is back for a season long gambling tutorial. You say… 0-5… “why would we listen to Kimmy Toast?” If there is one thing I know its that in gambling consistency. Go against Kimmy if you want but do so on your own accord…

Each week Kimmy Toast is bringing you a 6 pack of picks… sometimes an extra cheeky one if your lucky. Lets start the weekend and crack this first one open…

Week 1:

Cardinals @ Commanders

Cards + 265

Everyone is saying the Cards are tanking in the most obvious of ways… I’m going against this narrative. I think sooner than later Clayton Tune takes the reigns of this Rudolph led sleigh ride. This franchise is glad to be ready for a fresh start and they have nothing to lose. Run Run Rudolph Santa’s gotta make it to town. I don’t love this pick but sometimes Kevin Costner has to drink his own piss, fight the ‘smokers’, and trade his dirt. But then again everyone thought he was just a man… until they realized he had gills. Will the Cardinals find their gills in week 1?

Packers @ Bears

Bears -1 -110

Bears vs Packers…William ‘The Fridge’ Perry, Ditka, Walter Payton, Brett Favre, Bart Starr, and an in 1941 the first game after the Pearl Harbor attack… Now we have Jordan Bradley Love and his gang of young WR’s vs the ground and pound of Justin Thomas Fields and Co.. It’s like the girls night they are having when all of a sudden a strange phone call rings-a-ring-ring. Some masked-person is in the house and it’s just a matter of survival. These new look offenses should be interesting so lets keep it on the ground and run to safety.

Cowboys @ Giants

Giants +150

The Cowboys won both games last year vs the Giants. Another year in the Daboll offense, takeover of the Mike McCarthy offense… advantage Giants. Cowboys D is the big X Factor in this game but I Danny Dimes and Co. learned how to neutralize Michelle Parsons with the RPO the Eagles showed last year. Dashing Daboll and Melatonin McCarthy … who can get more done? … have to fly, have to crow, have to save Maggie have to save Jack…. Daboll gets it done.

49ers @ Steelers

49ers -2 1/1 -110

Instead of a lock of the week… a pick of the week… I am going to do a ‘Pour It Out’ of the week. The real Chipper Jones started a charity wine to support children with disabilities so what a hero… and if you want to support it its called ‘Chipper Chardonnay’. I am jumping all over the 49ers taking this one easy in the Steel City. Yeah Nick Bosa might not be home but this D has more booby-traps than Kevin McCallister’s house. On Pittsburgh Tomlin (Harry) and Kenny Small Hands (Marv) don’t know what they are getting into… they will be running out of Heinz Field like the pizza guy dodging imaginary bullets.

Pats vs Eagles under 44.5 (-110)

A: How will the Eagles be this year? B: Good they have Jalen Hurts at QB.

A: A Quarterback… the cornerstone to any good team.

B:Yeah they will steamroll the Patriots. A: What does Bill Belichick look like?

B: What!?

A: What does Bill Belichick look like?

B:What!?

A: Is does he look like a bitch?

B: What!?

A: Does Bill Belichick look like a bitch?

B: No…

A: So don’t treat him like a bitch…. This Pats team will slow down the Eagles while eating up a ton of clock on their own

Futures:

Comeback player of the year

Hamlin vs field…. +225 (the field)

Now that’s a spicy meatball (The Mask)! Everybody thinks Hamlin will be a runaway Comeback Player of the Year. Sure it will be a big story, but season long will it last? In this time of clickbait, videos only for our fans, and the 24 hour news cycle can this headline of Hamlin last? I think the story is great but I think stats will overcome this and being a DB stats aren’t usually your friend for end of the season voting.

+2500 John Metchie 3

Doubling down on this bet… ‘Somebody Stop Me!’

Joey Bosa +8000

I don’t know about you guys… but I always had a crush on Cameron Diaz. Did you know she married the lead singer from the band Good Charlotte? She went from Justin Timberlake to the Benji from Good Charlotte!? I mean come one… so crazier things have happened than Joey Bosa winning Comeback Player of the Year.

Rich Eison show…. Ok we can get one more

NYG to make playoffs +150

9-7-1 Last year and minimal offseason losses. I will admit their WR additions are odd loading up on slot guys but they went with speed speed speed. While this team in reality has nothing, Daboll has these ‘lost boys’ imagining they have a feast in front of them and are ready to eat. This team feels as though “Death is the only adventure they have left”